My Heart Is Overflowing

There is nothing else I can think of but that to describe the feelings that encompass me at this very moment. I cannot restrain the tears that are running down my face and I am not sure that I want to. I feel as though my heart could very well fly out of my chest and into the sky, though what it would do there, I have no idea. Today has been a day of miracles for me, though I have not seen anything out of the ordinary nor done anything that would merit that high standard. But God is merciful and marvelous, and I cannot help but share with you the feelings that are bursting from my soul.
These past few months have been the most trying of my life. I would venture to say that the loss of my brother when I was twelve could not compare with the pains I have felt. I knew that Andrew was with Timmy and that God would protect them and keep them, and that they had a work to do beyond my mortal scope. I knew it. It did not lessen the pain, but it softened the mourning and relieved the despair. A few months after this, I moved away from the only home I could remember to a brand new place, one that was unfamiliar and, at my age, unfriendly. For the first time, I was uncertain of myself and what would happen to me. It was rough and I suffered much, but trust in the Lord and in my family got me through.
But since graduating college, things have been different. I have been completely on my own and even more uncertain of myself than ever before. I trusted in the Lord but I felt that He did not trust in me. This was a dangerous feeling to have and I knew it. But such is my emotional nature that I felt it anyway. I was in my own personal Gethsemane, unable to have the help of the Lord and unable to change a thing. I knew He had his reasons for sending me through the trials that He had, but I could not see any light to guide my way. I had failed my boards twice, the test that would prove my college experience worthwhile, which led me to the belief that I had made the wrong decisions with regards to my education. I felt that I must be out of tune with my spirit, that whatever the Lord had been trying to tell me I had not heard because I had made myself deaf, and now He had stopped speaking to me. I was left in a place that used to be a home, wondering if I was in the right place, wondering if I had blindly pushed forward into something that was wrong for me. I didn't know where to go, what to do, or in whom to confide. How could I confess to anyone that I was feeling weak and abandoned? I have always been strong, and this collapse was mortifying. All I knew was that I had to keep going because there was no other way to go and if I wanted the Lord to speak to me again, I had to play the game His way. It IS His game, after all.
Well, after the amazing Women's Conference last weekend, a conversation with a man so close to the Lord that he knew I needed something special, and a therapeutic home visit and blessing from my father, things began to look up. I was happier, I was more optimisitic, and I began to feel again. And then I turned in a random application, immediately had an interview, and two days later I recieved a part time job that met all of my set requirements. And today at General Conference, I recieved a deep and abiding testimony that Thomas S. Monson is God's prophet, that he recieves revelation for us directly from the Lord, and that he is the man to lead this church. Then tonight I watched "Emma Smith: My Story" and I heard a line that I don't know if the real Emma actually said, but I like it anyway. "Strength is not something we are born with. Strength is something that we find." And suddenly I realized that I could do whatever the Lord expected of me. If Emma could make it through so much, then I could at least battle through the murky waters that had begun to swirl around me. As soon as I came to that decision, I felt a wash of something so strong that tears poured out of my eyes like a river, and since I am a messy crier, the nose started to run also, and as I am just getting over a cold, it was not a pretty sight. But it didn't matter. I knew in my heart that whatever the Lord had in store for me, this experience would shape me for it. I was reminded from the movie of the scripture in D&C from Liberty jail: " My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high. ...Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." I knew that was my answer, too. So, after the movie was finished, and I cleaned myself up, I came downstairs to my room, determined to write a blog about this. But something told me to check my brother and sister-in-law's blog first. Erin, I love you even more for what you said on Friday. She quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and as soon as I read it, I burst into my frantic, messy tears again. It was the rest of my answer. "First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him."
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and believes in me. I know that He knows me, knows what I want and need, and what I can handle. That is what He was trying to tell me: that I have within me strength I didn't know about. Somehow, I had found the strength to come through without losing my faith or myself. And beyond that, I can see more clearly my path laid out before me. I have no idea where it will lead, but the path is His trail for me, and if I stay on it, nothing can prevent me from attaining what He has in store for me.
And that will give me the strength I need to continue on.